


i wished on the moon for you

by isthiswhattheycallwriting



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, and are best friends, because the us is like "well if russia can do it we can do it better", because you know, but reader is put on ice, reader and peggy stark also went to the same boarding school, reader knew bucky and steve in the 40s, starts in the 40s???, the everlasting pissing contest between the us and russia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 11:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17446328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isthiswhattheycallwriting/pseuds/isthiswhattheycallwriting
Summary: After losing Bucky, you were devastated.  So when Howard Stark asks for volunteers for an experiment, you're the first in line.





	1. before

**Author's Note:**

> So like. This is lowkey inspired by old jazz music. I've always loved jazz, and I just wanted to write something surrounding it. Let me know what you think!

"Army camps are strange," you said quietly, peering out the window curiously.

Your driver laughed a little, saying something about how you'd get used to it, but you paid him no mind.  You were too busy looking at your new home.  Men in army uniforms swarmed the area, and you realized just what you were getting yourself into as the car parked and the driver opened your door.  The was muddy, crowded, and the air reeked of testosterone.

"Y/N!"

You turned at the sound of a familiar voice, grinning as you saw the familiar brunette walking across the yard to you.  The men around her were parting like the Red Sea.  Her hair was perfectly curled, as always, her lips painted a bright red.  Peggy Carter was just as perfect as she had been in school.

"Peggy!" You said happily as you embraced her.  "I've missed you so much!"

It had only been a year since you had graduated from your overly priced boarding school, but you hadn't gotten to see your roommate in that entire year, despite the fact that she had relocated to America to help with the war efforts right after.  Mostly because your parents had been determined to keep you at home, in the deep south of Louisiana, and Peggy had been stationed up north in New York.

She pulled away from you, her hands resting on your shoulders.  "I have so much to show you.  And Abraham is ecstatic to meet you."

Ah, yes.  Abraham Erskine.  Your new boss.  The entire reason you had gotten to come was because Peggy had mentioned how gifted you were in science, and because the man trusted her so much, he had agreed to hire you.  Your parents had been appalled at first.  They knew, of course, how smart you were, but they expected you to focus on getting a husband and having kids after you had come home.  You were supposed to settle down with a nice, Southern boy of the corn-fed variety and have at least four children.  It was what they did, what your sisters and brothers did, and it was only natural that they expected it of you, too.  Even though you had been given some leeway as the youngest of the family, your parents were starting to get impatient.  Your hope chest was the only one left, and your mama reminded you every chance she got.  Typically, only the first born girl got a hope chest, but your daddy had insisted that every single one of you did.

You envied Peggy, in that her parents wanted her to follow her passion, even if it meant moving across the ocean.

She led you through the camp as the men started to notice you.  It was hard not to, since you and Peggy were the only women in a ten mile radius, and they certainly weren't getting anything out of her.  When you finally found Erskine, he was standing beside another man and watching a group of soldiers doing push ups.

"Dr. Erskine, this is Y/N L/N," she said.

The man turned to look at you, shaking your hand firmly as he clasped it with the other.  "Ms. L/N, I've heard so many good things about you.  I'm so excited to work with you."

His accent took you by surprise, but you didn't let it show as you shook his hand back.  "The pleasure is all mine, Doctor."

"And this is Colonel Chester Phillips," she said, motioning to the man that Erskine had been speaking with.  He let out a grunt in replying, and Peggy rolled her eyes before turning back to watch the group of soldiers.

When you noticed the way Peggy was looking at one of the men, a scrawny one that looked more like a boy, you nudged her.  "What happened to your no dating rule?"

"That was in school," she replied with an eye roll.  She was pretending as though it was no big deal, but the blush on her cheeks said otherwise.  "And you had the same rule, too, you know."

"I'm not the one staring lustfully at one of the men you're commanding," you teased, giggling as she smacked your arm.  "But, really.  Who is he?"

"His name is Steve Rogers," Peggy said.  You had never seen her look at someone in that way, and it kind of confused you.  She hadn't liked anyone in school, always claiming that the men were too immature and she didn't have time for them.  You had adopted the same mentality after a while, which is probably why your parents didn't like Peggy too much.

The two of you went quiet, listening to the two men beside you talk.  Something about a serum.  You were a little surprised when Colonel Phillips grabbed a grenade and pulled the pin, but you relaxed when you realized it was a dummy.  The men he had thrown it towards, however, had no idea.  They began to scramble, and the man that Phillips wanted to have the serum ran, while Rogers threw himself on top of it.

You took a glance at Peggy, who was smirking triumphantly as he yelled for everyone to run.  "He clearly has no regard for his own life and safety," you commented, but you were grinning.  You could tell he had a good heart, and that was more important to you than being a good soldier.

* * *

 

You spent months with the army, even after Steve was given the serum and Dr. Erskine died.  Having been given the most knowledge about the program, you had been asked to stay on.  So you traveled with Peggy, staying in the same room and working side by side.  It almost felt like grade school all over again.  The only difference was that you were in a country side in Austria and not the center of London.

"When he gets back, you should tell him how you feel," you said to Peggy.  The two of you were standing in a tent, a radio nearby.  Steve had left on a mission to rescue a group of POWs days ago and you could tell how anxious she was.  So you just kept telling her things the two of them could do when he got back, like dancing.  The two of you had loved to go to the dance halls in England, but hadn't had time since the war started.  "Maybe you two could go to that diner on Broadway?  They have that delicious apple pie that tastes like it's from down south."  She had always teased you on how adamant you were that southern baking was better, but you stuck by it.

She stood up suddenly, her eyes going wide.  "Is that..."  You followed her as she made her way out of the tent.  She was completely focused on the horizon, and you realized as you kept walking, that there was a massive amount of men walking towards the camp.

And at the very front, was Steve Rogers.

Peggy froze, and you took the moment to nudge her forward.  "Go."

She didn't need any more convincing.  She walked towards him with a purpose, her stride sure and her hands in fists at her side.  But you could tell by the way she was biting her lip that she was nervous.  You didn't hear what was said, standing back a little as you watched her make what you were sure was some kind of smart ass comment.

"Let's hear it for Captain America!" You heard someone shout, and you laughed a little as you watched the men erupt into cheers.  You hadn't seen the men this happy in a long, long time.  Most of the time they wore sullen faces that matched the dreary weather.  But now, even though they were hungry, covered in mud, and far from their homes, they had a ray of hope in the form of Steve Rogers.

You made your way back to you and Peggy's quarters, turning on the radio.  It took you a minute or two to find a station that was playing music instead of news about the war, but when you did, you turned it up loud.  Music was something you had missed while on the road.  You were usually too busy to just stop and enjoy it, since you were constantly trying to decipher Erskine's notes.  There were stacks upon stacks of his journals on your desk, but you ignored all of that for the moment.  Hundreds of men had made it back alive today after days of thinking the worst.  That deserved a little celebration.

So you kicked off your shoes and you sang.  At first it started out with just a few phrases, the sound timid and soft, but soon you were belting along with it.  You were completely losing yourself in the music.  You sang word for word with Billie Holiday, one of your favorite artists, as she sang ' _I Wished on the Moon._ '  It was an older track, released in 1935, and she was only a feature on it, but it was still your favorite song of hers.

You jumped as you heard a knock on the door, turning to see a man with shaggy brown hair and stubble lining his jaw in the doorway.  "Is, uh...  Is Steve here?"

Frowning, you crossed your arms over your chest.  You were a little embarrassed that someone had caught you singing with the radio, if you were honest.  You were technically a superior, even if you were a scientist.  "Depends on who's asking."  Even though Steve wasn't there, you didn't know who this man was or what he wanted.

"I'm James.  Steve's friend," he said, his eyes focused on you with a type of intensity that you couldn't place.  But it made your cheeks warm the longer he looked at you.  "My friends call me Bucky."

Recognition dawned on your face as you pointed at him.  "You're Steve's friend from Brooklyn?"  When he nodded, you smiled a little, relaxing as you realized that he was one of the people that had just been saved from the HYDRA base.  "He's told Peggy and me a lot about you."

"So...  Is he here?"

You were about to tell him no, he wasn't, when the man in question came up behind him, Peggy by his side.  "You lookin' for me, Buck?"

Peggy's gaze landed on you as she squeezed past the two men, taking notice of the song playing.  "You still love this song?"

You shrugged as you moved over to turn it down slightly.  "You know me.  Billie Holiday will always be one of the best artists, in my opinion."

"So I see you've met Y/N," Steve said, bringing your attention back as he clapped a hand on Bucky's shoulder.  "She was working as Dr. Erskine's assistant when they turned me into..."  He motioned at his body, not sure how to explain it.  "This."

"I didn't realize you were a scientist," Bucky said in shock, his eyebrows furrowing.

"She's always been smart.  She graduated top of our class at school, beating even me," Peggy said proudly, a smirk on her lips.  You had always thought that she was the person most proud of you, and you were always reminded of it when she started to brag about you.  "I finally managed to get her out of Louisiana by telling Erskine about her.  He seemed pretty eager to take on an assistant.  Y/N's actually taken over his job since he died."

"It's really not that exciting," you insisted as you waved her off, wrapping your arms around yourself.  "I spend most of my time trying to decipher his notes and what they mean.  Peggy's the one that actually trained all the super soldier candidates."

"No," Bucky said, shaking his head.  "Don't put down your work.  It's impressive."  He looked at you with a sort of wonder, and that added with the way he had been looking at you before meant only one thing.

You were in trouble.

* * *

 

You bit your lip as you sat at the bar with Peggy, sipping on a glass of whiskey.  It gave you a little taste of home, reminding you of how your mama would shoot you a wink as she slipped in a little bit of whiskey into your sweet tea.  She always made sure your daddy was none the wiser, since he would've thrown a fit if he had known that his little princess was drinking.

Oh, how you missed the long summer days that would fade into warm, sultry nights.  Before your sisters got married, the three of you would sneak out and go to the dances in town, taking shots of alcohol from whatever soldier caught your fancy that night.  You were never really interested in any of them, never even them give you a kiss goodnight.  They could walk you home, and sometimes even hold their hand if they were lucky, but you never kissed them.  None of them were worthy.  They were just looking for someone to have one last romp in the sheets with before they shipped out to Europe.

You didn't want that.  You didn't want to be wooed and then tossed to the side.  All those men ever saw you for was your beauty.  They saw your pretty face and that was it.  They didn't care about the fact that you had a mind.  So you had waited.  You had ignored the teasing from your sisters as they snuck off to the soldier's beds, sleeping with a multitude of men before they were married.  They had joked that you were going to be the only one to actually deserve to wear white on her wedding day.  Your parents and your two brothers could never know, of course.  They would've shot every soldier in town and then locked the three of you in your rooms until you turned fifty.  Not to mention nailing the window shut, like your childhood friend, Elizabeth Ann's, parents did when they caught her sneaking out.

"—every time I think he's going to ask me on a date, he doesn't," Peggy ranted, throwing back a shot of vodka.  Her nose scrunched up in disgust as she shook her head.  "I don't get it.  I haven't exactly been subtle with my flirting."

"Peggy," you said, a smile tugging on your lips, "in case you haven't noticed, you're a little bit intimidating."

"I'm not intimidating!"

You couldn't help but giggle, feeling the alcohol start to take effect as you looked at your best friend.  "Every man in here is terrified to talk to you."  You shook her shoulder playfully.  "It's because you're strong.  And men are scared of strong women."

"Maybe that's why Bucky hasn't asked you out yet," Peggy replied, raising a perfectly trimmed eyebrow at you.

You sputtered, choking a little on the whiskey.  "What?  Why would you say that?"

She rolled her eyes, turning herself in her bar stool to look out at the sea of men in the bar.  They were all in uniform, but you could easily pick out Bucky.  He was sitting in the back with a group of about eight men, plus Steve.  His head was thrown back in a laugh, his hand resting on Steve's shoulder.  He was absolutely radiant.  Even when he got in one of his moods where the only people he wanted to talk to were Steve, Peggy, and you, he was beautiful.

"Because you and Bucky do this all the time."

Your focus turned back to her, your eyebrows furrowing in confusion.  "Do what?"

"This!"  She motioned at you sloppily, the alcohol clearly taking it's toll.  You hadn't seen her this tipsy since you snuck a bottle of liquor into your dorm room.  "You two love to do this whole wistful staring when the other isn't watching thing, but the moment the other turns around, you look away!  It's positively, absolutely pitiful!"

 You shook your head, sputtering.  "I don't do that!  I don't _do_ wistful staring!"  You threw back the rest of your whiskey, turning to look at the bartender as you slid the glass to him.  "I'm the ruthless southern belle that's broken the hearts of a thousand men, remember?  And half of them were soldiers!"  Peggy had always loved hearing stories about your summer when you went back to school, and it became an inside joke that you were a heartbreaker, simply because you didn't let men walk all over you.

"Mind if I buy you another?"

You whirled around to see Bucky standing there, a soft smile on his lips.  Swallowing, you nodded, and he raised a hand to call over the bartender.  After the glass of whiskey was slid across the bar to you, he turned to look at you once again.  "So what's this about being a ruthless southern belle?"  He took a seat on the stool next to you, and you were extremely aware of how his thigh brushed against yours.  "And have you really broken the hearts of a thousand men?"

Groaning, you shot a glare at Peggy who had abandoned you and was walking towards a blushing Steve Rogers.  "You heard that?"

"I most certainly did, and now I want the whole story."

He had a mischievous glint in his eye that made your knees weak, and you had to hold yourself back from kissing the smirk of those stupid lips of his.  He was cocky.  Usually it would make you run far, far away from a man, but he had a certain boyish charm that made you want to know more.  You hated to admit it, but Peggy was kind of right about the wistful staring.  In the six months since he had been rescued, you had spent a lot of time with him.  Peggy and Steve spent most of their time together when they weren't busy with missions, and you and Bucky were always dragged along.  Since both of your respective best friends were too wrapped up in each other to notice you, it ended with the two of you becoming extremely close.

So you told him.  You told him about all the times you had broken a man's heart.  Most of them were the same, but he still insisted.  You would sneak out with your sisters to go to the dances, and when a soldier tried making a move on you, you'd turn him down.  There were a few in there about boys you had grown up with trying to romance you, too.  The entire time, Bucky was laughing and making jokes about how badly you must've hurt them, which in turn would throw you into a fit of giggles.

You weren't sure how long the two of you had been sitting there talking when he paused, looking at you for a long moment.  He bit his lip, as though he was trying to make a big decision.  Finally, he held his hand out to you.  "Would you like to dance?"

Frowning, you looked out at the bar.  "But it's so crowded.  And no one else is dancing."  You wanted to say yes.  God, you really wanted to say yes.  But you also knew that if you danced with him, the other men wouldn't ever stop making comments about you.  They already did, but it would increase tenfold, and it would be nothing good.

You watched as Bucky slid off his stool, fixing his hat.  "Then I think it's time we leave this bar and find a dance hall."

Looking at him in shock, you shook your head.  "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well," he said, his blue eyes glimmering even in the dim lighting, "I want to dance with you.  And if that means I have to find a dance hall, then that's what I'm gonna do."  He held out his hand to you, waiting for you to take it.  Seeming to sense your hesitation, he leaned his head down slightly, his voice no louder than a whisper, "Do you trust me?"

As much as the thought of opening up your heart to someone scared you, you did trust him.  "Yes."

The grin that spread across his face was contagious as you placed your hand delicately in his, his fingers intertwining with yours as he pulled you out into the warm air.  Summers in Austria were colder than Louisiana, but it was still summer.  The feeling of freedom and adventures to be had lingered in the air, the night breeze gently twisting through your hair.  The streetlights cast a soft glow on Bucky's face as you glanced up at him, quickly looking down when you caught him already looking at you.

"Why didn't you let any of those soldiers kiss you?" He asked.  His voice was soft and sweet, his hand still holding yours.  To the other people in the street, you looked like just another young couple wandering around, too drunk on each other to notice anyone else.

You shrugged a little as you kept your eyes forward.  "All those men wanted was a quick, drunken romp.  They would've forgotten about it the next night as they found some other girl to take home.  Or, they want to find a woman that they can make into their little housewife to come home to after the way."  The frustration you had gone through as a teenager was evident on your face as you frowned.  "I never wanted that life.  I didn't want to be one of those women that gives up her life, her career, because she meets a man.  My sisters live that life, and I don't see the appeal.  They're pushing out babies as fast as they can, only for the nannies to raise them while they get drunk at two in the afternoon."

"I see."  Despite his short reply, you could tell how invested he was, how he was hanging on to every word you spoke.  You briefly noted how his thumb was rubbing against the bank of your hand as you headed towards the sound of jazz music down the street.  Light was pouring out from a building a few blocks down, and you could see young couples standing outside to get some fresh air before heading back in.

"My brothers are just like those soldiers.  They chose the girls they married based on their pretty faces, not who they are as people."  Your voice got quiet as you started to delve into a little bit more of what exactly the problem was.  It was a little more personal.  "Those men who kept trying to take me out only saw my face.  They didn't care about the fact that I have opinions and dreams.  I have goals in life."  You let out a long sigh.  "I want someone to fall in love because of who I am.  Not because I'm pretty."  You finally looked at Bucky again, only to find him staring at you with a little bit of sadness.  "What?"

He stopped, the streetlight behind him casting a halo-like glow around him.  His hands held onto yours, squeezing softly.  "Y/N, you are the most vivacious woman I have ever met.  You're witty and intelligent, with a tongue sharper than anyone I know."  His eyes stayed locked on yours, your jaw dropping slightly.  "You are extraordinary.  Don't let anyone tell you differently."

You didn't know what to say.  You had dreamed for so long of someone saying those words to you, and here it was.  Finally swallowing the lump in your throat, you let out a bit of a laugh as you looked down in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry.  I've just...  No one's ever said those kinds of things to me before."

Bucky smiled, using two fingers to gently tilt your head up to face him.  "How about that dance?"

* * *

The day that Bucky died started like any other.  You woke up to the feeling of his lips pressed against your temple as he started to climb out of the bed.  It was before dawn, but you knew that he had to get back before the camp wake up call.  Otherwise, you'd never hear the end of it.  You had tried to tell him that you didn't care about their jokes, but he did.  He had insisted that he didn't want your reputation tarnished just because of him.

"You could stay," you murmured, blinking your eyes open to see him pulling on his shirt.

He turned to look at you with such a soft smile that it made your heart melt.  His hair was still mussed from sleep, a red line on his face from the pillow.  "You know why I can't," he said, but he crawled back into bed as you sat up to lean on your elbows.  Pressing kisses all over your face, his fingers wound through your hair.  "I love you so much."

"With how much you sneak out of here before sunrise, you'd think you were trying to hide me from your friends," you teased, closing your eyes as you relished in his affections.  There was definitely no way he was hiding you.  He took every chance he could to kiss you in front of his friends, his arms wrapping around your waist to hold you close.  He had made his claim on you as soon as you let him, since the comments the other men would sometimes make about you rubbed him the wrong way.  You had called it being jealous.  Either way, the other soldiers had stopped making suggestive comments, even if it was only in front of him.

Bucky pulled you closer to him, his hands resting on your waist right under your night top.  "Just for that comment, I'm going to give you the biggest, sloppiest kiss in front of the entire camp today," he said, and you started squealing with laughter as his fingers ran up and down your sides, tickling you.

"J-James!  Stop it!  James!"  You laughed and wrapped your arms around his neck, falling back onto the bed in a flurry of kisses.  His hands finally stopped as your lips met his, relaxing into you.  "I love you," you murmured, beginning to tug at the shirt he had just put on.

He must've realized what you were trying to do, because he pulled away with a shocked expression.  "Were you going to seduce me to get me to stay in bed?"

You batted your eyelashes at him as you pursed your lower lip.  It was a trick you had learned from your mama at a young age.  "Well, it depends.  Would it have worked?"

He groaned as he ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head.  "You're going to be the death of me, Y/N."  Bucky smirked down at you as you let out a soft giggle, biting your lip as you watched him.  "I'll see you at breakfast, okay?"

If only the two of you had known that it was going to be the last night you ever spent together.

A few moments after he had slipped out the door, Peggy snuck back inside, just getting back from Steve's quarters that he shared with Bucky.  It was kind of a good situation the four of you had going.  After the rest of the camp had fallen asleep, she would sneak over the Steve's room, and once she got there, your boyfriend would head over to yours, before both of them switched back in the mornings.  No one in the camp was any the wiser since it was all done under the cover of darkness.  Everyone knew about you and Bucky, of course, but Peggy and Steve had asked you two to help them keep their relationship in the dark.  The Star Spangled Man with a Plan had a lot more enemies than his best friend, and he was determined to not put her in danger, which you (as _her_ best friend) appreciated.

You managed to catch another hour of sleep before the camp alarm sounded, and you dragged yourself out of bed to get ready for the day.  The camp was bustling when you and Peggy finally made your way to breakfast.

As soon as Bucky saw you, he made good on his promise.  His arms wrapped around you as he dipped you low, his mouth pressing against yours.  You could hear the men whistling and hollering around you, but you were too focused on your boyfriend to care.

 "Hi," you whispered breathlessly as he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours.

His nose nudged yours as he said, "Hello."  He smiled against your lips as he pulled you in for another quick kiss.

"I missed you this morning."  You made sure to say it low enough so that no one else could hear you.  By now, most of the men had turned back to their breakfast and were paying you no attention, but you still wanted to be careful.

"As soon as this war is over, we won't have to worry about sneaking around anymore," he promised, your fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck.  "You're going to be the head scientist at some fancy institution, and we'll have a little apartment close to Steve and Peggy's.  I'll get to wake up next to you every single morning for the rest of my life."

The two of you had talked about the future of course, but he had never straight up said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.  Your knees felt weak just at the thought, nodding happily.  Bucky had meant what he promised all those months ago.  He had never even implied that he wanted you to stay home and give up your ambitions just to have kids.  Instead, he took every chance he could to help push you forward.

Your little moment was broken, though, when Steve almost ran up to the two of you.  "Buck, we have to go now," he said, the most serious you had ever seen him.  "We have coordinates on Zola's location."

Bucky turned to look at you and you nodded.  "Come back home to me," you said softly.

He nodded, pulling you into one more kiss.  "I will.  I promise."  With a last look at you, he ran off after his best friend.

You watched after him, your finger tips raising to touch your lips.  You couldn't explain it, but there was a feeling in the pit of your stomach that told you something was about to happen.  You didn't know if it was good or bad, but you knew that a storm was brewing around you.

You could only hope that you all made it out.

You spent the entire day unfocused.  You were struggling to get anything done, and Peggy was beginning to worry about you.  Every few minutes, you'd glance out the window, looking for the silhouette of your boyfriend coming over the hill.  Your leg wouldn't stop tapping and you kept having to wipe your hands on your skirt to get the sweat off.

You barely slept that night, the emptiness of the space next to you getting to your head.  You tossed and turned and tossed and turned again.  You could hear Peggy doing the same thing in the bed across the room.

"Are you awake?"

You sat up a little in your bed, barely making out her form in the darkness.  "Yeah."

There was a pause.  "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

You didn't reply, just scooting over to make a little bit more room.  She grabbed her pillow and tiptoed across the cold floor, despite the fact that you two were the only ones there.  The bed dipped as she crawled in, her warmth helping protect you against the cold of the Austrian winter.

"Peggy?"

"Yes?"

You hesitated, biting your lip.  "Why do I feel like something awful has happened?"  About an hour earlier, you had felt this sinking feeling in your stomach, a pang in your heart.

"Maybe you just worry too much."

Despite what your best friend said, you knew that she understood.  She tried to put on a brave front, but anytime Steve went on a mission, she became an anxious mess.

"It'll all be alright tomorrow morning when they get home," she insisted, clearly trying to make you feel better.

So you just nodded, and let her squeeze your hand.  You could feel her fall asleep beside you, but you laid awake for a long time before sleep finally overtook you.

The next day, you didn't hear the shouts until almost noon.  It was overcast and cold, a soft blanket of slow from the night before on the ground.  You had been going through more of Erskine's journals when you heard it.  Anytime men came home from a mission, the other men in the camp would run out to greet them.  Peeking out the window, you saw as they started to pour out of the bunks, heading for the hill.

Grinning, you ran out of your quarters, following after them.  But as you got closer, you began to slow down.  The group you were running to only had nine.  There was one missing.  The feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach grew as you balled your hands into fists.

Once you were close enough to see Steve's face, you knew.

The other soldiers grew quiet as you still asked, "Where's Bucky?"  The blonde shook his head, his eyes red and puffy, and you felt yourself begin to shake.  "No.  No.  He promised he'd come back to me.  Where is he?!"  You stood up on your tiptoes, as though trying to see if they were hiding him.  As if this were some kind of sick joke.  "BUCKY!  BUCKY!"  When that didn't work, you shouted, "JAMES!"  It was becoming more and more clear to you that he wasn't coming back.  You couldn't deny that he was gone.  You collapsed to the ground in a puddle of tears, sobs shaking your body as your fingers dug into the ground.  You were covered in mud, but you didn't care.  The love of your life was gone.  Despite all the snide comments the other men had made about you and Bucky's relationship before, they were dead quiet now.  Their heads were lowered as they did their best not to stare at your grief.

You felt a pair of arms wrap around you, and you turned to cling to Peggy.  You weren't sure how long you stayed there in the mud, but by the time she finally got you to stand up, all the other soldiers had gone, leaving just you, Peggy, and Steve.  You felt numb as she led you back to your room, turning on the shower.  Staring blankly at the wall, you let her undress you and shove you under the water, not bothering to try to wipe away the mud that had absolutely covered you.

That night was the first time you had cried yourself to sleep over James Barnes, and it most certainly wouldn't be the last.

* * *

Two years had passed, and you still felt empty.  The war had been won, and you had gone back to America with Peggy in tow, but it didn't feel right.  Bucky was supposed to be at your side.  It didn't help that Steve had also died, leaving you and your best friend utterly broken.

Well, you were utterly broken still.  Peggy had started to put the pieces back together and had even agreed to go out on a date with some man.  He had been one of the soldiers that Steve had saved when he rescued Bucky.  Part of you wondered if she was only going on the date because it was one of her last connections to Steve, but you didn't ask.  You had no right to judge how she mourned.

You, however, threw yourself into your work.  You had found yourself working with Howard Stark after the war.  It was the kind of thing Bucky had always said you'd do.

But instead of coming home to the love of your life, you had no one.  Peggy lived down the hall, of course, but it wasn't the same.  It didn't fill the aching void in your heart.

So when Stark came in to tell you about his new experiment, you immediately volunteered your services, which is what led you to this.

You were climbing into a glass box, preparing yourself for whatever was about to happen.  Either you were going to die, or you were going to be frozen.  It was an experiment in cryogenics, to see if someone could effectively be frozen in time.

"Here, I want you to have this," Peggy said, wiping tears from her eyes as she took off her heart-shaped locket.  It held a picture of the two of you on one side, and a picture of Steve and Bucky on the other.  Her hands shook as she put it on you, moving your hair out of the way.  "I want you to remember us when you're woken up in a hundred years," she teased, though you could tell she was actually upset.

You pulled her into a tight hug, tears falling down your cheeks.  "Please live the best life you can," you said softly, your voice crackling a little as you held onto her.  "I want to crack open a history book and see chapters filled with stories about you, okay?"

She nodded with a bit of a laugh, pulling away to look at you one last time.  You had both given up on not crying, and it was a sight to see.  "I love you, Y/N," she said, squeezing your hands.

"I love you, too."  You looked up to see Howard Stark coming over, knowing it was time.  "Maybe I'll see you on the other side," you said with a playful wink, before you leaned back.

"Ready?" Howard asked, his eyes searching your face for any hesitation.  He was finding it hard not to cry himself, since he had spent the last two years becoming one of your closest friends.  He could be an asshole at times, but he really did mean well, and he was fiercely loving and protective over those he cared about, which included you.

He was also giving you a chance to back out.  This was the moment before, when you could change your mind.  You could step out of the box and go home with Peggy.  You could find a boy to settle down with, and see your family again.  You hadn't even said goodbye to them in person, having just sent each of them individual letters explaining what you were doing.  You had known that doing it in person would've hurt too much and they would've just eventually convinced you not to.  But you had to do this.  If only for the sake of science, you had to do it.

"Ready."


	2. after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're finally awoken by Howard Stark's son, and are surprised by two familiar faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is gonna be a little bit shorter than the first chapter. Let me know what you think!

Cold.

That's the first thing you felt as you started to come to, though a deep soreness in your muscles is the second.  You can also hear people talking in hushed voices a few feet away, but you don't quite have the strength to open your eyes.

"—found her in his lab.  He had this locked room he never let anyone go into, but he would disappear there for hours at a time."

"How did you unfreeze her?"

"Easy.  I just read his journals.  He had everything written down with strict instructions on getting her out of there."

There was a long pause, before a different voice asked, "Do we even know who she is?"

"That's all in here."  There was the sound of ruffling papers.  "It's all medical and school records, but at least we know her name."

"Y/N M/N L/N.  Born July 11th, 1921...  Says here she went to St. Martin-in-the-Fields High School for Girls in London, but she was born in Louisiana."

"Boarding school," the first voice said.  "Lots of southern families sent their daughters to get an education before coming home and being baby makers for the rest of their lives."

Well, that stung, even if it was true.

"Wait..."  The second voice was speaking now.  "St. Martin-in-the-Fields.  Isn't that the same high school Peggy Carter went to?"

More ruffling of papers.  "Holy shit.  She was her roommate for all four years."

You took that moment to open your eyes, gasping as the light shone brightly on you.  You felt like you had been hit by a brick.  There was the sound of footsteps as the three people who had been talking rushed to your bedside.  When you finally blinked your eyes open again, your gaze immediately went to the brunette man to your left.  "Howard?!  How long was I frozen?!"  The others, a black man with nicely trimmed facial hair and a blonde woman with big green eyes were staring at you in surprise.

The brunette man that you were sure was your former partner shook his head, his brow furrowed.  "I'm his son, Tony.  You'd been asleep for almost eighty years."

You sat up in a rush, groaning as the pain hit you.  The three people guided you back down to the bed.  Once the pain had passed, you took a moment to look around.  You were in what seemed like a hospital bed, but there were no machines around you.  A window to your right gave you a view of a forest surrounding whatever building you were inside.  Finally, you turned back to the people in front of you.  "What year is it?"

They all paused, looking between each other like they were debating telling you or not.  Finally, Tony said, "It's the year 2021."

Holy shit.  Holy shit, it was actually a hundred years since you had been born, and that was...  You didn't even know what to say as you looked at them in shock.  Your mouth had gone drier than a desert.  The man beside Tony seemed to sense what you needed, because he handed you a glass of water, which you sipped at greedily.  When you were finally done, you held onto the glass like it was a lifeline.  "Who are you two?"

"I'm Rhodey."

"Pepper."

You turned your head to look at the son of Howard Stark, tears rimming your eyes.  "You look just like him, you know.  You have the same eyes."  That seemed to strike a chord within the man, who cleared his throat as he looked down.  "Is Howard still alive?"  The thought of possibly seeing him excited you, even if he was in a nursing home by now.

But Tony shook his head, sympathy in his eyes.  "He died in 1991."

You knew when you had been put under that you most likely wouldn't come back to find anyone you had known alive, but it still hurt.  The last time you had seen Howard, he had still been so full of life.  "Did he live a happy life, at least?"

He was staring at you with such wonder, his mouth set in a thin line.  "He built one of the biggest companies in the world.  He was a devoted husband to my mother, Maria."

Your heart warmed at the thought as you smiled a little.  "I always thought she would be good for him.  I'm happy that he married her and settled down."

Slowly sitting up, you frowned down at the clothes you were in.  Someone had changed you out of the clothes you had been wearing when you went under, and you were now clad in some... weird material.  The name Stark was emblazoned across whatever long sleeved thing you were wearing.  "What is this?"

Pepper smiled a little as she folded her hands in front of her.  "They're called sweats.  It's kind of the generic clothing your given when you come to the Avengers compound."

Avengers compound?  The hell was that?

Seeming to sense your confusion, Pepper waved her hand to dismiss the thought.  "I'll explain later.  I can give you a tour of the compound, though, if you're up for walking?"

Well, that you didn't know about.  You didn't know exactly what Howard had done when he had frozen you.  Were your muscles frozen exactly in place, so that you'd be able to do everything you had been able to back then?  Would you need to go through extensive amounts of physical therapy?  Hell, were you even young anymore?  You assumed you were, considering when you looked down at your hands they looked exactly the same as the day you had gone under.

The memory of that day flashing to your mind, you reached up to your neck, relaxing when you found the heart shaped locket that Peggy had given you.

Taking a chance, you slowly moved your legs to hang off the side of the bed, before standing up completely.  The tile beneath you was cold to the touch and it sent a shiver through your spine.  When you stood up, you found that Howard had managed to freeze you so that your muscles didn't deteriorate.  There was a little stiffness, but that wasn't anything you couldn't fix.

"If everything becomes too much, let us know," Rhodey said, finally speaking up.  "We don't want you getting overwhelmed by how much has changed."

You nodded, walking beside the three of them as they led you out of the room.  You found yourself in a hospital wing, which you had expected.  A few doctors were milling about, but not many.  You weren't there for long as Tony led you through double doors into a massive hallway, glass lining both sides.  On your right, you could see the outside.  All you could see was forest for miles and miles and miles.  On your left, you could watch a multitude of people at a state of the art gym.  The machines were a little upgraded from what you remembered, but the idea was the same.

You were only half listening as Tony explained different things around the compound, Pepper and Rhodey sometimes adding in little anecdotes.  You were taking everything in quietly, processing it as best you could.  More than a small part of you had thought that Howard's experiment wouldn't work, and you'd end up dead.  Sure, he was a genius, and he had successfully frozen rats for a few days to a few months, but eighty years?  It had seemed absurd.

You should've known better than to estimate him.

"And this is the Avengers living quarters," Rhodey said as the four of you stepped onto an elevator.  You were surprised at how smoothly it moved as it took you up three floors.  They had kind of explained what the Avengers were, so you got the basic idea, but it was still hard to believe.

You stepped out of the elevator and into a large living room.  What seemed to be a television hung up on the wall, and you were shocked at the sheer size of it.  "You're just like your father," you mused as Tony went on and on about all the inventions you probably didn't know about.

He continued to give you the tour, explaining each and every room in detail.  When he had finally finished his two hour long explanation of his lab, you were starting to feel tired.  You had been one of the top scientists in the world when you had gone under, and now you were outdated.  There'd be so much you'd have to learn if you ever wanted to catch up.

When you rounded a corner that led to a kitchen area, you spotted a group of about eight people sitting there.  They paid you no mind, except for a familiar blonde.  "Y/N?!"  He shouted.

"STEVE?!"

The two of you ran to each other, and he laughed as he picked you up, hugging you as tightly in possible.  All the others had gone silent in confusion as they watched you.  The only people who knew what was going on was Tony, Rhodey, and Pepper.  "They told me you died," Steve said, disbelief in his eyes.

"I was on the radio when _you_ had died!"  You had been in the room with Peggy, listening to the mission, when he had gone down.  You had been the one to hold her as she broke down, a mirror image of you when Bucky had been lost.

A realization dawned on Steve's face, and he opened his mouth to say, "Y/N, you—"

"Y/N?"

You froze at the sound of that familiar voice, your heart beating harshly against your rib cage.  There was no way.  There was no way that he was alive.  You had spent two years mourning him and had volunteered yourself for what you had assumed was a death sentence because of his death.

Steve moved to the side, and there he was.  He was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, clearly having just walked in.  There was a soft sheen of sweat on his brow, like he had just gotten back from the gym.

"Is it really you?" Your voice cracked as you felt the tears start to well up.

Without a second thought, the two of you were running for each other.  You launched yourself into Bucky's arms, wrapping your legs around his waist.  He smelled exactly the same as he had back then, and you took in a deep breath.  His fingers were winding through your hair, and he just kept whispering, "I can't believe you're here.  I love you so much."

You pulled back as you pushed his hair away from his face.  "Your hair is longer," you said with a bit of a laugh, and he wiped away the tears that were streaming down your cheeks.  "I like it."

He grinned, pulling you into a long kiss.  You could practically feel the stares of disbelief as you wrapped your arms around his neck, elongating the kiss.  His lips still fit perfectly against yours and it sent a sob through you.

You felt a burst of fury as he put you down, and you reached out to slap him.  He stared at you in shock as you angrily pointed at him.  "You promised you would come home.  You scared the shit out of me, you...  You asshole!"

But he just smiled.  His hands reached out for you again and he pressed a long kiss to your forehead.  "I'm home now, my love.  I'm home and nothing's ever going to take me away from you ever again."

"Better not," you sniffled, your hands grasping his shirt so tightly your knuckles went white.  "Because if it happens again, I'll kill you myself."

Bucky paused, confusion in his bright blue eyes.  "What happened, though?  How are you here?"

"I could ask you the same question," you countered, before explaining.  "I worked with Howard Stark after the war.  He spent a lot of time on cryogenics, and when he asked for volunteers...  I offered."

Now it was his turn to be mad at you.  "Y/N, please tell me you didn't offer yourself as an experiment."  When you smiled at him sheepishly in response, he scowled, pulling you into his arms again.  "You could've died."

"But I didn't.  And apparently neither did you," you said, raising an eyebrow questioningly at him.  You also looked down at his arm, finding metal there instead of the flesh you remembered.  You weren't upset by it, just confused.  He was still your Bucky, whether or not he had a limb missing.

But before he could explain, someone asked, "Okay, but who are you?"

You looked at the other people who were standing around the kitchen, a few sitting on bar stools.  "I'm Y/N L/N."

A man with curly brown hair stood up, his eyebrows furrowed.  "Wait.  THE Y/N L/N?"

You slowly nodded, a little confused that he recognized you.

When he saw your expression, he pulled out what Tony had explained early was a cell phone, and tapped on it quickly before passing it to you.  What you saw was an entire article on a scientific website about your contributions.  They spoke about how you blazed a trail for other women to join the field, and about how the war couldn't have been won without you.  The thought sent tears to your eyes as you laughed, covering your mouth in shock.

"Y/N...  You're a hero," he said, before holding out his hand for you to shake, wonder in his eyes.  "I'm Bruce.  Bruce Banner."

 "It's lovely to meet you," you replied, a blush on your cheeks.

He shook his head, grasping your hand.  "The pleasure is all mine.  Really."

Bucky must've thought he had been holding your hand too long, because he let out a low, "Hands off."  You burst into laughter as you saw the same expression he had always worn when one of the other soldiers would hit on you, his eyes going dark and his lips set in a deep frown.

The others were a little shocked at how jealous he got, but he ignored them in favor of wrapping his arms around you, kissing your hair.  "Don't be mean," you chided, and he just hummed in response.  His grip on you was the same, despite his metal arm, and you still felt safer in his arms than you had anywhere else in the world.

"But really, how do you guys know each other?"

Steve decided to be the one to explain that time, glancing back at the two of you with a bit of sadness.  "Y/N was Peggy's best friend from boarding school, and we all met when she got her a job working with the man who gave me the super soldier serum."

You looked at him with a frown, biting your lip.  "Peggy?..."  Steve nodded in response, knowing what you were asking, and you took a deep breath to steady yourself.  You had hoped that you might get to see her in her old age, but you had missed her.

"I know that Y/N still needs to be introduced to everyone, but that can wait," Bucky suddenly said.  You gasped as he threw you over his shoulder.  "I'm keeping her to myself for a while."

You groaned in embarrassment as he started to carry you out of the room, kicking and hitting at his back in protest.  "Bucky!  Put me down!"  But you stopped after you got to another elevator, which took you up to what seemed to be a hallway lined with bedrooms.  You were proven right when he opened a door, bringing you into a sunlit room and tossing you onto the bed.

You watched Bucky with a soft, adoring gaze as he kicked off his shoes, peeling off his shirt before getting onto the bed.  He crawled on top of you, his long hair falling on either side of your face as your hands moved to rest on his chest.  "You're buffer than the last time I saw you," you murmured in awe, your fingers running over the skin.  Your right hand brushed against his shoulder, where his metal arm connected.  "What happened to you, my love?"

His calloused hand cupped your face, his thumb running tenderly over your cheek.  "HYDRA captured me after I fell from the train, and they nursed me back to health."  But a frown was covering his features.  "They gave me a serum similar to the one Steve got, and they brainwashed me."  Your heart sunk in your chest as you wiped away his tears.  "I was an assassin known as the Winter Soldier for seventy years, before I escaped."  His watery eyes finally met yours.  "Y/N...  I assassinated Howard and Maria Stark."

Your heart broke as you saw how much it hurt him, and you shook your head.  "It's not your fault.  You didn't know what you were doing," you whispered, pulling him down into a soft kiss.  Howard had been Bucky's friend, too, and you could only imagine how much it hurt him.  You held Bucky to your chest, both of you starting to cry.  "I'm here now.  You've got me and I'm never leaving," you whispered.

* * *

Downstairs, the Avengers were watching the spot you had just been in shock.

"Wait, Bucky had a girlfriend?!" Sam asked, shaking his head.

Peter seemed to have a different concern.  "Bucky SPEAKS?!"

Steve rolled his eyes, smirking at the others.  "Bucky had a life before the Winter Soldier, you know."  He glanced back at the direction you two had gone, crossing his arms over his chest.  He leaned against the counter slowly.  "Y/N was the best thing that had ever happened to Bucky.  I had never seen two people more in love.  When he died...  It was like her heart had been ripped out of her chest."  The look in his eyes were hollow as his mind went back to the day you had sat in the mud, screaming at the sky for taking away the man you loved.  "I had never heard a sound like that."

"So she just volunteered to be frozen by Tony's dad?" Natasha scoffed.

"She's one of the bravest people I've ever met," he said.  "And the smartest.  If she believed that she could do something to help progress, she was going to do it."  He left out the fact that you had probably thought you wouldn't wake up.  He had felt that kind of loneliness after waking up and finding that everyone he had known was either dead or within a few years of dying.  It could really get to you, feeling like you'd been left behind.

* * *

The next morning, you woke to an empty bed and sun pouring in through the windows.  You sat up harshly, looking around the room for Bucky.  You almost thought you had dreamed the day before when he came out of what you assumed to be the restroom.

"I'm here, I just had to use the bathroom," he said as he crawled back into the bed, pulling you into his embrace.

You curled up against his chest, your legs tangling with his.  "I thought I had dreamed yesterday."

Bucky chuckled as he kissed a press to your nose.  "Go back to sleep."

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

He squeezed you a little tighter.  The world had changed drastically.  He had been through hell and back, and lived to tell the tale.  There was a little more sadness lingering within the both of you, and you knew that you two were a little more broken than when you had first met.  But he was still your Bucky.  He was still the man you wanted to wake up to every morning.  You still wanted to do life with him.  You wanted to bicker over him leaving the toilet seat up, and steal the covers at night.  You wanted to dance around the kitchen with him and take long strolls under the moon, drunk on each other like you had been all those years ago in a tiny town in Austria.

"Always."


End file.
